Dear Madeleine,
I run a commercial retail real estate firm in a big city in the Midwest. We have some seasoned senior brokers, all of whom have done well working with junior brokers, training them while also benefiting from their help.
The model has worked really well, except in the case of one senior broker. He does very well financially, but has developed a reputation in town of not following through. Also, he sometimes fails to show up for meetings with landlords and even prospective renters.
He has gone through several junior brokers in quick succession because he treats them like trash and does not properly share commissions. He was a lot of fun our first ten years in business, but as the business has grown and we have all matured, he seemingly hasn’t grown up.
I am the owner of the business, but other than overseeing legal compliance and providing basic guidelines, I have been hands-off—not really a boss. I have pointed out some of this person’s more extreme behavior to him, but it is getting to the point of no return. Everyone knows everyone in our town, so people know his antics are not a reflection on me or my firm, but it is getting out of hand.
How do I get someone in their mid-40s to stop behaving like a child? I really need him as a senior broker to develop the juniors so that they want to stay and grow. And I need to stop the gossip about his partying and the impression that our entire firm is filled with people who are not serious about their profession. I should mention that he and I are longtime friends. He has been with me since the beginning, which complicates things.
Man-child Mayhem
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Dear Man-child Mayhem,
It can be hard when you outgrow longtime friends—and when they work for you, it can make things downright impossible. I am struggling with finding a way to say what I want to say without offending you, so please forgive me in advance if I miss the mark. Here goes.
You need to face two essential truths:
- You are the boss.
- People don’t change until the cost of not changing becomes too high to bear. This applies to both you and Man-child.
Some food for thought based on these two truths:
You may not want to be the boss, but you are. The whole “not really the boss” thing can work as long as everybody behaves themselves, but not so much (as you are currently experiencing) when they don’t. It’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt, and that someone is going to be you. Again—you are the boss. The only way you are going to get the Man-child to grow up is to insist on it and enact appropriate consequences if he fails to comply.
There is a chance that he just doesn’t know how to be a grownup. If that is the case, you can give him very clear instructions on what is grownup behavior and what isn’t. And when I say clear, I mean literally put his dos and don’ts in writing so that you can pull up the document when you have to discuss it. Give him a few chances to get used to acting like a grownup at work.
If he does know but just doesn’t care, well, you have a choice. You can choose to tolerate the unacceptable or you can choose to part ways. If you need to part ways, you can certainly share that you hope not to lose the friendship—but you should be ready for that eventuality.
It is up to you. It is your business and your reputation on the line here. Way back when, people in your town were in the know and were able to separate the Man-child from you. But as you grow and he crosses paths with new people, they will absolutely wonder what kind of an operation you are running.
You have grown up—well, almost. You are suffering from the effects of not having completely grown up. Now is time for you to take full responsibility for your business or suffer the consequences. You know what you need from your people and you seem to be getting it from everyone but Man-child. You might consider taking it to the next level by checking out the work of Henry Cloud, an expert on boundaries. His book Boundaries for Leaders: Results, Relationships and Being Ridiculously in Charge might give you just the step-by-step direction you need to step fully into being a real boss.
Look, I hate making anyone comply with anything, so if you are having an allergic reaction to what I am saying, I get it. But part of being a grownup means accepting reality. And reality can be a harsh taskmaster.
Have the hard conversation. Don’t sugarcoat anything. Reward good behavior and do not, I repeat, do not look the other way when Man-child acts like an idiot. Give him a few chances and then—if he cannot or will not raise his standards—pull the plug exactly the way you said you would. Your business is at stake.
I’m sorry. I hope I am wrong about this. If you get a better idea from someone else, please share it with me.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
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