Dear Madeleine,
I am 28 years old and was hired five months ago at a globally recognized tech company. I moved across the country, took on a one-year lease, and furnished an apartment. I made some very solid friends among many of the people who were members of my orientation class.
I was assigned to (I thought) a great team and from the word go my boss hated me.
It was weird. She criticized me in a group setting, which she didn’t do with anyone else. She assigned me twice the normal workload—I know this from talking to teammates. I made a huge effort to do well. I did everything possible to understand what she didn’t like and fix it. But no matter what I did, she only hated me more.
She seemed to be a decent manager, though not very experienced and not much older than me. My teammates noticed it and several of them asked me WTH?
Last week, a meeting was put on my calendar for 4:00 p.m. on Friday with her and someone from HR. I didn’t know what to expect but it wasn’t to hear that I was being fired. No reason was given. Just, “This is your last day—you don’t work here anymore” and a laundry list of what I needed to do in the next hour.
I am in shock. All of my new friends at work are in shock. I have no idea what I did to deserve this treatment. The company has a reputation for treating people fairly—I have heard many stories of people being moved to different teams if the fit isn’t quite right. It is a huge organization, so it seems to me that there is no reason that HR couldn’t have made an effort to find me a different spot.
They offered me generous severance pay, so I am not worried about finding another job, even if the market is tight. I have never heard of being fired for doing something wrong, then being offered severance. How can I learn from this? How can I make sense of it?
Mystified and Freaked Out
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Dear Mystified and Freaked Out,
Whoa. What just happened to you is indeed weird. I am scratching my head. No performance plan, no warnings—just boom, you’re out? That might be normal in a startup but for a mature, sophisticated organization, it sounds straight-up bizarre.
There is either some quirk in your former boss, something going on in the organization, or something you did that you are not ready to admit to yourself. I could speculate all day long about what on earth happened. In fact, I did, and here are the possibilities I’ve come up with so far:
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- You look and sound like someone from her past who bullied or hurt her in some way. I am not kidding. It is a form of transference. If a person has undergone an unresolved trauma and someone reminds them of the perpetrator, it can trigger all sorts of irrational behavior.
- Your boss was testing you to see if you would ever stand up for yourself and stop letting her push you around. Some bullies are simply waiting to be called out on their nasty before they back down and start behaving reasonably.
- The organization needs to cut staff but doesn’t want to announce a reduction in force, so they are asking managers to quickly and quietly cut people, even if it needs to be someone who has not had performance problems. Although this is an example of terrible management, I have heard of it happening, even at highly respected organizations. The clue in your case is what the severance would have been if your ousting had been part of a reduction in force versus what you were offered.
- You somehow engaged in an alienating behavior that you are not telling yourself the truth about—something like signaling disrespect for your boss or the organization, or displaying arrogance about your intelligence or skills. I don’t mean to insult you, but you must ask yourself if it is possible. The way to explore this possibility is to reflect on what attitudes or judgments you might have had about your boss that you thought you had hidden (well enough). The truth is that no matter how well we think we hide it, people always sense judgment and nobody likes it.
You have to assume there was a reason. No one does what your boss just did without one. If you have signed the separation papers and the company has no reason to fear a lawsuit, it might be worth getting in touch with the HR person to see if you can get some feedback. Even if you get feedback that makes some sense, it will still feel unfair and unjustified—but at least the mystery will no longer haunt you.
There is one other perspective to consider. This is way out there, so bear with me. What if you simply weren’t meant to be in that job, in that company, and your destiny has something way better in store for you? I know it sounds absurd and may go against your worldview, but here’s the thing: I have heard so many clients and friends talk about something that they thought was the worst thing that could happen to them turning out to be a stroke of luck in some unanticipated way.
At the very least, you have learned how not to manage people. If or when you are in a leadership position, you will never treat another person the way you were treated.
I am sorry this happened to you. Sometimes the world just throws random stuff our way. We can’t control everything that happens to us; we can only control how we respond to it. Hopefully, with some help from HR or through your own reflection, you will find a way to make sense of it. The key is to use the experience to build resilience and character.
Wallow and feel sorry for yourself for a while. Lick your wounds. Then pick yourself up off the floor, chalk it up to being a human being—which is hard—and move on.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
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