Dear Madeleine,
I am a junior partner in a law firm and the expectation is that I work. A lot.
Many of the partners work virtually in the summer, but I usually go into the office because it is easier for me to get things done there.
My in-laws bought a house at the shore a few years ago. In the past when we have spent a week with them I’ve taken vacation time, which means I check in for a couple of hours a day. My husband is a schoolteacher and athletic coach, so he gets most of the summer off.
This year, my husband and his family convinced me to try spending an entire month at the shore, taking one week of vacation and working from there the rest of the time.
It is a disaster. Our kids are very good about boundaries around work time, which we practiced during Covid. The problem is my in-laws. Both are retired and seem to have forgotten what it means to have a job.
My mother-in-law knocks and then walks into the bedroom (where I work) a couple of times a day to ask questions about meals, laundry, where the kids’ sunscreen is, etc. My father-in-law texts me constantly about the dinner menu, if he can borrow my car (his works fine, he just likes mine better)—pointless things for which he does not need my input. They both try to lure me away from work for “just one hour at the beach, it is such a beautiful day” or “the kids were hoping you might join us; we know you have to work, but…”.
I thought I had been crystal clear about the nature of my work and the kind of focus it requires. It is almost as if they are testing me or they resent how much I work. They tease me in the evenings about being a “big-shot attorney” and being “so important” because so many people need me. I have spoken to my husband about it, but he is not very sympathetic and tells me to just let it roll off my back.
At home, when the kids are in school or day camp, I have everything dialed in and things go smoothly. If the grown-ups would behave, I think it could work at the shore, too. But right now I am losing my mind.
I am considering going back to the city and letting my husband and kids stay and enjoy the rest of the time, but I am sure I’d never hear the end of it. I am at the end of my patience. I want to say something to my in-laws, but I don’t know what to say or how to say it in a way that won’t ruffle feathers. They obviously already think I am too serious and over-focused on my work. They seem oblivious to the fact that it is my salary that pays our mortgage. I can’t help feeling like if I were a man, they would never behave this way.
I wish I had never agreed to this. Please, I am hoping you have some good ideas for me.
Losing My Mind
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Dear Losing My Mind,
This brave new world of blending work and play is still in the experimentation phase. Your situation sounds difficult and frustrating—but more to the point, you are feeling judged, which just adds to the yuck.
This might be a moment in which you can use the classic three choices:
1. Do nothing
2. Do something
3. Leave the situation
It sounds like doing nothing could result in your blowing your top and saying something you’ll regret. No matter how good you are at self-regulating, it would be a serious test. Your husband’s advice to “let it roll off your back” is not realistic.
You almost certainly have to do something. If what you do doesn’t work, ending the experiment is probably a good idea. The only way to go at this is head-on. Dropping hints will only create drama.
Here is a potential framework to build on:
1. Call a family meeting. Include your kids if you like, especially since they seem to respect your work time.
2. A little appreciation goes a long way, so mentioning how much you appreciate your hosts, being able to be at the beach, all of the meal organizing, etc., would be a good place to start.
3. Explain that:
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-
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- you are having a very hard time staying focused;
- you are, in fact, resolute about your job, which is a requirement of your job role;
- you like your job and hope to be successful in it;
- you don’t think you are more important than anyone else, but you take your work commitments seriously;
- you have had your vacation time;
- you agreed to work from the shore as an experiment, and it isn’t working for you.
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4. Review the arrangements you agreed on at the start. If you didn’t have any, come up with a set of clear agreements you can all abide by. I think it is fair to ask that you not be interrupted unless there is an emergency, and that you will be fine with whatever decisions are made about meals, who uses your car, etc.
5. You can acknowledge that your family members mean well and that you appreciate their wanting to include you in the fun, but that it ends up feeling like pressure.
6. Be clear that if the family cannot respect your work time, you will be forced to go home.
Stay matter-of-fact and neutral. Do your best to leave out whatever judgments you are feeling, your suspicions about gender bias, and the point about your salary. Leave those battles for another day and stick to setting up rules of engagement for right now that your in-laws can abide by.
If they just can’t do it, then you’ll do whatever you need to do to take care of yourself.
Will such a meeting ruffle feathers? You bet it will. But better to ruffle some feathers and try to find a workable solution for the next few weeks than to say something you’ll regret or storm back to the city in a huff.
Family is tricky enough to navigate without adding the kind of complexity you are attempting. Give your in-laws one solid chance to keep up their end of the deal so you can all enjoy evenings and weekends together. With enough clarity, lots of goodwill, and a little luck, you might find a workable solution for many years to come. Or you might not, and that’s okay, too.
Breathe deep. Be clear. Be kind. Be firm.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
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