Dear Madeleine,
I have had a great deal of success. My problem is now that I have achieved my goals, I realize this isn’t what I thought it would be. I am 38, married, with two young kids and another on the way and a massive mortgage (albeit at a low rate compared to today’s rates). I wrote two pages with all the details, which is what clarified the crux of the issue.
It feels like my wife and I are going in two different directions. My wife is delighted to focus on the kids and not work outside the home. I feel trapped and disappointed. Maybe more to the point is that I am bored out of my mind.
We just finished a massive renovation on our house—which cost twice what we budgeted—and now my wife wants a pool. We live in the Midwest so we wouldn’t get much use out of it. I just see it eating up any savings and reinforcing the bars on my cage.
I have tried discussing this with several people and each person has a different reaction. They range from “Shut up, you have no idea how lucky you are” to “You made your bed, now lie in it” to “Quit the job, sell the house, and buy an RV.”
What advice do you have for me?
Trapped
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Dear Trapped,
My advice will sound like none of the above. Yes, you are lucky but that doesn’t mean you aren’t miserable. Sucking it up isn’t going to work in the long term; it will lead to seeking to numb your feelings, which will only exacerbate your problems. And running away never solved anything for anyone.
Here is my advice in a nutshell: Get new goals.
You are not the first person to get to the top of a ladder only to find that it got you to the top of the wrong wall. You just did it really quickly. I think you have two separate issues here: the first one is your brilliant career, the second is the lack of communication between you and your wife.
In your current job you feel trapped, disappointed, and bored—a feeling so yucky that it is clouding your ability to troubleshoot. It sounds like you think you need to jump ship completely and start over, but you don’t think you can because your wife is living her best life and is depending on your ability to pull in a big income. Let’s take a look at how you might shift your work situation. You may not have to blow the whole thing up.
You say this isn’t what you expected. So what exactly did you expect, and how is the reality different? Is there a possibility of a lateral move that might change that reality? What is missing? It might help if you can identify a core need that isn’t being met. Is it a sense of meaning or purpose? Is it the opportunity to make a significant impact? Is it the chance to continually learn and deepen your expertise?
Once you have a sense of what was keeping you interested that has been lost, it will help you to creatively brainstorm how you might find new activities within your job or your organization that will scratch that itch. You may realize that to go to the next level you need more training or even an advanced degree. Whatever it is will involve a certain amount of risk, and your self-image as someone who crushes it may take a little heat.
As you start visualizing new goals for yourself, it is critical that you discuss how you feel with your wife. The mortgage, unexpected expenses, and your wife’s vision for more of the same are part of what is making you feel trapped. You can’t just go along with it to make her happy, only to let the resentment build. Resentment in a marriage is never, ever good. It sounds like you and your wife made a deal, you are concerned that you may need to change that deal, and you are afraid to rock the boat by bringing it up. But rock the boat you must. People change, circumstances change, life throws us curve balls. You are either going to figure out how to face what you are dealing with together, right now, or you will continue to grow further apart until you stay together miserably or split up.
I highly recommend the work of John and Julie Gottman, respected experts on marriage. Their website is loaded with resources for couples; tools to help you navigate the inevitable bumps on the road of true love.
You are panicking a little right now, Trapped, but you are going to be okay. As has oft been said, “Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” You are probably going to live a long time and have multiple career chapters—that’s what keeps life interesting. And it will be a lot more fun if your marriage continues to deepen and grow at the same time.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
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