Dear Madeleine,
About six months ago, I went above and beyond to help out a new colleague. He had misread a deadline and needed to scramble to get a bunch of time-sensitive work done over a long weekend.
I willingly jumped in to help him, finding documents, getting permission to give him access to materials, and bothering lots of different people over the weekend on his behalf. He seemed to appreciate it, but never really went out of his way to thank me or anyone else who had put themselves out for him during this time.
Something similar happened recently, over another long weekend. I got a call from him at 9PM on Friday night, but I was without my phone during that time and didn’t notice the call until Saturday morning. When I called him back he declined the call, but then sent me an email detailing all the things he needed me to do for him over the weekend. None of it, let me be clear, was part of my job—and it again was an emergency for him. I was annoyed, but politely replied that I was tied up for the whole weekend including Monday (which was true) and would not be able to help him. I did suggest a few others who might have some free time to be able to help.
Well. He sent me an email back that was just nasty and cc’d my boss and his boss. He said I was unreliable, not a team player, and made it sound like I had promised to help him and then flaked out, which is not true. I am stunned—and hopping mad. I have written several different replies that all sound whiny and defensive, but haven’t sent any. I just don’t know quite how to share what really happened here without making myself look worse than I already do.
Would appreciate your input on this.
Put Out and Defensive
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Dear Put Out and Defensive,
It is really smart not to send any emails written while you are hopping mad. All I can think is that you somehow led this person to believe that you would always drop everything to help him. This is not your fault, per se, and people have created false expectations based on a lot less.
It seems like your colleague is disorganized or possibly overextended, and perhaps his stress just got the best of him. Or he is a bully who knows how to target nice people, and you stood up to him. Either way, the good news here is that he probably won’t prey on your goodwill again because, boy, did he burn that bridge.
Only you really know how to respond based on your own understanding of your company’s culture. Is there an expectation (explicit or implicit) that everyone is always available even when they are officially “off”? Even if that is true, these kinds of expectations usually apply only to team members who are on the hook for time-sensitive responses—and then, when they know they will be out of reach, they arrange for someone to cover for them. I don’t see how you could possibly manage the expectations of everyone in the company, other than putting something in your email signature line in advance and making it clear in your out-of-office response that you are not available.
I can say this: sitting far outside of your work environment, it sounds to me like your colleague was way out of line, and you owe him nothing. Not even a response. The only thing to be done is to send an email to your boss and his boss explaining your side of the story. Keep it brief, clear—and, to the extent possible, keep out the part about how personal it feels to you. Just the facts.
Hopefully, your boss knows you: that you are normally open to helping out when you can and that you are, in fact, a reliable team player. It seems clear that this colleague is the one who tries to make his own lack of planning an emergency for everyone else, even people whose jobs do not include helping him. If your boss doesn’t know you, it might be worth picking up the phone and having a conversation.
I suspect your colleague’s boss has seen other instances of irresponsible selfish behavior from him. It is almost certainly a pattern that has shown up elsewhere. Other than rationally setting the record straight, I don’t think there is much to do there.
Getting mad is appropriate, and you are smart enough to know that letting it show won’t be a good look. Just stand up for yourself by sharing what happened, and then let it go.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
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