I will never forget the first (and only) time a client hung up on me.
This was back when almost all my coaching was done over the phone. The client had been outlining the challenges his business was facing and all the reasons it was doomed. We brainstormed possible solutions, each of which he immediately dismissed. Finally, I said, very neutrally, “It sounds like you aren’t committed to what it’s going to take to get back on track.”
Silence.
Then, click.
Then, dial tone.
I sat there stunned, berating myself for my thoughtlessness and fully expecting that such a drastic response meant I was fired on the spot. A few moments later, though, my phone rang. I picked up, already apologizing.
“No, no,” he said. “I just got so mad. And I know I’m angry because you’re right. I realize I’ve been lying to myself. I haven’t wanted to face the fact that I’m tired and bored, and I just don’t care enough to do what needs to be done.”
And then we were off to the races, figuring out what was next for him. Now that he had clarity about what truly mattered, he was completely motivated to design a new chapter.
I was still relatively new to coaching at that point. Although I understood that a powerful question or nonjudgmental observation can spark critical insight, I was not intentionally applying a technique. I simply blurted out what seemed obvious. The lesson for me in that terrifying moment was that a little more care and artfulness might have allowed that important penny to drop with slightly less drama.
When I first started my coaching practice, back in the early days of the profession, people had no context for what I did. “Oh,” they would say, “so you’re like a motivational speaker.”
And I would shake my head. Nooooo.
The comparison was actually a gift. It forced me to think long and hard about how coaching is different from motivational speaking. I will not belabor the distinction here, but I will note two key differences. First, in a coaching relationship, the person doing most of the talking is the person being coached. Second, and more importantly, no matter how brilliant someone is or how correct their assertions may be, no one can truly motivate another person. The only thing we can do is help someone uncover the motivation that already exists within them.
That is something coaching does beautifully. As my sad tale illustrates, even imperfect coaching can do the job.
Let’s talk about motivation.
Pierce J. Howard, author of The Owner’s Manual for the Brain, writes, “To be motivated is to be in pursuit of a goal, no matter how major or minor. In fact, the word motivate comes from the Latin motivus, which in turn comes from movere, meaning ‘to move.’”
He explains that the goals we set reflect our underlying personality structure. We choose what to move toward or away from based on our traits, strengths, interests, core needs, and values. What generates motivation is not external pressure. It is a keen sense of purpose and a deep desire to achieve a personally meaningful goal.
Motivation must come from within.
The client who hung up on me realized, in his flash of anger, that he had already achieved his goal. The pressure he was putting on himself to continue along the logical next step was fundamentally at odds with who he was. He craved variety, new challenges, and a radical change of scene. It was not that he could not face his business challenges. It was that he simply did not want to.
The realization was not convenient. His next moves were not immediately obvious, and it took time and careful planning to plot his exit. But he was deeply motivated, and in the end, it all worked out.
Research supports what that experience taught me.
Dr. Edward Deci, cofounder of Self-Determination Theory, found that all humans have innate psychological needs for autonomy, competence, and relatedness. Autonomy refers to choice and freedom from inappropriate oversight. Competence reflects the opportunity to satisfy curiosity, learn, and grow. Relatedness involves connection and belonging with others.
Temperament Theory, a centuries-old and still evolving field, suggests that individuals also come wired with additional core needs that drive behavior. For some, it is money, (which can represent wildly different things, depending on the person: safety, status, power, or freedom). For others, it is risk or adventure. For still others, it is influence or impact.
To complicate matters, what motivates someone is almost always an intricate mix of needs and values. It can take decades of experimentation to fully understand what truly lights one’s fire.
Four things leaders need to keep in mind.
First, hiring the right person for the job is more important than ever. In this era of knowledge work, organizations require innovation, creativity, sound judgment, initiative, and industriousness. The person with a strong need for freedom and variety will not thrive in a role that requires routine, detailed repetition. Likewise, someone who needs certainty and predictability may struggle in a role that demands independent thinking and creative problem solving. You cannot ask a dog to climb a tree. You ask a squirrel. As obvious as this sounds, there are still far too many creative people in routine jobs and process-oriented people in innovation-focused roles.
Second, involvement fuels motivation. The more you include your people in crafting goals, the greater the chance of success. This is equally true of the methods by which those goals are achieved. The more control people have over how they accomplish their objectives, the more likely they are to give it their best effort. That said, autonomy without direction can create paralysis. There is no substitute for clarity. Giving someone too much control with no guidance leads to drift.
Third, a coaching approach amplifies motivation. There is now a strong body of research indicating that organizations that require and train leaders to use a coach approach experience enhanced employee motivation, increased psychological safety, and stronger adaptability. At the same time, leaders improve their own effectiveness and emotional intelligence. Unsurprisingly, this translates into better bottom line results.
Finally, many people do not yet understand what truly motivates them. They may formulate goals based on cultural norms and external expectations, only to discover that what genuinely energizes them is something entirely different.
Leaders can help their people identify their motivators by asking questions such as:
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- How do you know you have had a great day at work?
- What makes you unique, and how does that show up here?
- Which strengths would you love to use more?
- What do you dislike doing, and what makes it draining?
- When do you lose track of time at work?
- How do you like to be acknowledged, and for what?
- What are you curious about right now?
- What problems do you feel drawn to solve?
- Is there anything I should know about what makes you tick?
Motivation is not something leaders can manufacture; it is something they help uncover. Once people connect to what truly matters to them, motivation takes care of itself.
In the end, leadership is less about lighting a fire under people and more about helping them find the fire within.
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