Dear Madeleine,
I am the director of engineering for a global team of around 40 people. I have a terrible boss. He cancels most of our one-on-ones, and when he does show up, he is in his car or in a noisy airport. I send him emails (which he doesn’t read) to prepare him for our meetings. He doesn’t seem to know anything about what I am doing, or care.
I stay abreast of strategic changes only because I have befriended his assistant. She forwards me information that she thinks my boss should forward (but knows he won’t). So I have found some ways of getting what I need.
Here’s why I am writing: I recently heard from my HRBP that my boss’s boss is seeking feedback on him. It feels like political suicide for me to tell the truth but I don’t feel comfortable lying. I was told I would be getting an online assessment to fill out and that the feedback would be anonymous—but when I do online multi-rater surveys, I always know who said what.
My boss has six other direct reports that he treats the same way he treats me, but how do I know they are willing to be candid? Even if we all agree to be truthful, what if they all chicken out and I am the only one who is stupid enough to do it? I anticipate there would be retaliation and accusations that I am gunning for his job. (I actually think I would be a lot better at his job than he is, but that would be a low bar and is beside the point.)
This is proving to be a big distraction for me and I need to decide. I would love to see some change here but I am not sure it is worth the gamble. I would appreciate any ideas you might have.
Worth the Risk?
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Dear Worth the Risk,
Well done on finding creative ways to get around a boss who seems to be missing in action. It sounds like MIA’s boss seems to have caught wind of the problem, so that’s good news. You have developed a fair amount of political savvy as well, so good job on that front.
Your risk assessment is sound, but does not include the potential risk to you of not being forthcoming and honest. If you are the only one on the team (or in the minority) who demurs when asked for a direct answer, don’t you run the chance of being seen as cowardly, or worse? Is that how you see yourself? Is that how you want to be seen?
The principle here is that you can’t play it safe in moments that define who you are. Yes, there is risk here, but not to life and limb. You either tell the truth as you see it and accept the consequences, or you live with a defining deed that you will undoubtedly regret more. Losing one’s self-respect can be surprisingly debilitating—and once lost, it is hard to rebuild.
In our brilliant Self Leadership program, people are encouraged to create an inventory of their points of power. You have shared that you have found creative ways to get what you need and created some valuable relationships. Those are, by definition, points of power. What if you were to leverage them by asking for input on this situation? You might uncover more information and be able to formulate more insights into your approach.
I would also suggest that you have a frank conversation with your HRBP. HR professionals are bound to strict confidentiality. If you are unsure, ask what the limits of confidentiality are on your conversation. And if you fear retaliation, that is a critical data point for both HR and your boss’s boss.
If you do decide to be forthcoming, you can still take the high road. There is no reason to be insulting or cruel—all you have to do is share the reality of your experience. Just the facts are required.
You seem thoughtful, resilient and creative. And you already know what to do.
Love, Madeleine
About Ask Madeleine
Ask Madeleine is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
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