Dear Madeleine,
My boss went out on disability six months ago, and, to my surprise, I was made temporary leader of my unit. I am told I have done a decent job. To be honest, I gave it everything I had mainly because I thought it was temporary and that I would be able to relax a little when the boss got back from leave.
I was just told my boss isn’t coming back and the job is mine if I want it. My impulse was to do a huge fist pump and yell “Nailed it!” but I managed to keep a straight face, and even had the presence of mind to ask for a little time to think about it.
Because here is the thing. The entire time I was leading the team, I felt like I was putting on an act. It isn’t imposter syndrome so much as feeling like I’m not able to be my regular self all day, and it is distracting and draining.
My normal persona is kind of hip, cool, always joking. My leader persona is cleaner cut, straight faced and responsible. I have experimented with the fake-it-till-you-make-it approach, but it makes me feel like a fake. I’m questioning if this job is for me or if I should just go back to my old role.
Of course, my family and friends think I am insane for even thinking this way, which also makes me doubt myself. I am hoping you can provide me with some advice that will help me make this decision.
Wavering
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Dear Wavering,
I will do my best to share some perspectives that may help.
First: you aren’t insane, you are at an unexpected crossroads. An opportunity you didn’t ask for and didn’t expect has fallen in your lap. Every gift also comes with a challenge, so what you are experiencing is totally normal. If a few more years had gone by before this happened, you might have formed a vision for a career path and set some clear goals. Opportunity called before you went looking for it; it is only right that the timing is throwing you off.
You did not mention your age, but I am guessing you are somewhere between mid-20s and early 30s (forgive me if I am wrong). Either way, in adult development terms this opportunity represents a classic transition. It is a natural time to evaluate your values: your identity, life goals, and what matters most to you. What many people don’t understand about values is that they often change according to the way life changes—especially the ones that dictate how you spend your time and other resources. To help you understand the chapter you have unwittingly embarked on, it might be worth studying The Cycle of Renewal, a theory of adult development created by Frederick Hudson. It could help you decide if you want to go forward into the new adventure or go back until you feel more ready.
Lee Cockerell (former executive vice president of operations for the Walt Disney World® Resort) once spoke at one of our company events, and he said something that stayed with me: “Being a leader means behaving yourself, all day long.”
In that moment, I looked around for my business partner. We both widened our eyes and made a face because we were both struggling with that exact thing and experiencing the bald truth of it. It might explain your feeling like you can’t be yourself in the leadership position. There isn’t anything wrong with you; it is simply discomfort with developing more self-awareness, a stronger radar for the impact you have on others, and the staggering amount of energy required of most people to practice the requisite self-regulation.
Signing up to become a leader requires surrendering your God-given right to say “I am who I am, consequences be damned.” One might say we all give up a little of that when we enter Kindergarten and a little more to get through school and then to hold down a job! As we all grow up and continue to grow, we need to constantly revisit the question of who we are, what can shift about our self-perception, and what is non-negotiable. You can—and goodness knows, you wouldn’t be alone—choose to avoid growth; but in my opinion, anything not growing is dying.
You are experiencing the dynamic tension between what my coauthor and I called The Three Perspectives in our book Leverage Your Best; Ditch the Rest. These perspectives are:
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- How do I see myself?
- How do others see me?
- How do I need to be seen (in this instance, in your role) to be effective?
The fact that you have been offered the job means you intuitively figured out number 3. The question is, can you reconcile the gap between numbers 1, 2, and 3?
The assurance I can offer on this task is that it takes time. You have to experiment with weaving in aspects of what you think of as your real self, to see which ones you can safely keep in play and which need to be kept on the down low and brought out in private. I would submit that because you knew there was a natural end point you might have over-corrected and been too rigid with yourself, which is unsustainable. Should you take the job, you will have to figure out how to be as much your authentic self as possible while still maintaining the trust and respect of your people.
Another truth about leadership is that the higher you go, the more your personality traits, including character defects, are magnified. You can keep your sense of humor but you will have to develop a strong sense of when not to be funny. You can keep your judgy inner monologue just as long as it doesn’t show on your face. You can notice other people’s shortcomings even as you train yourself to find to best in them. It all takes time, and you will stumble, so be kind to your growing self.
You have do have a choice to make, Wavering. You will have to weigh the positives of rising to a new challenge and creating more opportunity against the things you must give up. You may find that the tradeoff is worth it. You may also find that you are able, just not willing or ready. And that’s okay. Leadership is fiendishly tricky and demands more than we ever imagine it will.
I have always thought it makes life more fun and interesting to seize the brass ring when you can. To take your shot when someone throws you the ball. But that’s me, and I can tell you I have been in way over my head more times than I can count. But it hasn’t killed me yet, and I have some great stories.
In your case, if you go for it only to eventually decide it is a bad idea to be in the job, you can almost certainly go back to being an individual contributor. It happens all the time. That path will keep your options open and let you explore and gather more information so that you stand a much lower chance of ending up with regrets.
Finally, I think the amount of thought you are putting into this, in addition to your success, makes you leadership material. Your friends’ and family’s teasing is a knee-jerk response and misses the point. The fact that you are questioning this shows that you worry about the requirements, which is entirely appropriate. Only you can know which way to go, but I suspect that you already have your answer.
Good luck!
Love, Madeleine
About Ask Madeleine
Ask Madeleine is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
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