Dear Madeleine,
I work for a big internet company doing ad sales. This is my first real job out of school and I feel lucky to be hired by a company with such a great reputation. I also make enough to afford to rent a decent apartment while most of my friends live in tiny, roach-infested dumps.
I like the job, my colleagues, and the working environment (good snacks!). It is a lot of pressure but I am good at the job, so I am holding my own.
My issue is my manager. He is so cold. He does nothing but criticize me, always finding fault. It makes me super anxious to be anywhere near him. To be fair, I do get better at everything he picks on—so he is helping me be more successful.
I have complained about him to my peers. The guys all report that he is not cold and critical of them. It seems to be just the girls he is that way with, and none of them seem to care. The guys laugh at me and call me DF—short for Delicate Flower. I am sensitive, so I don’t argue.
This feels so unfair that I wonder if I should report it as a gender inequality thing. I doubt if that would change things, though—it might make things even worse.
What do you think?
Anxious
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Dear Anxious,
Congratulations on landing yourself such a good job! It sounds like your situation has a lot going for it: you like a lot about it, you are developing some important skills, and you are making good money. And let’s not forget about the snacks!
I understand how difficult your day-to-day job feels. It seems things would be pretty much perfect if your boss at least pointed out what you were doing well. All the research tells us that a huge percentage of entry-level employees are not getting any direction or nearly enough feedback—so I hate to tell you, unpleasant though it may be, at least you are getting feedback that is helping you be better at your job.
I agree that lodging a complaint would probably not yield anything worthwhile, other than briefly making you feel better. It would be hard to prove misbehavior on your manager’s part. Evidence that would be flagged by HR would be things like:
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- Your job performance was suffering due to your boss’s preferences. (It sounds like your boss is helping your performance.)
- Your boss rated male team members who performed equally or less well than female team members more favorably when it came to reviews. (I am not sure how much insight you have about that data or his track record).
- Your boss is creating a hostile work environment. (If your boss made offensive jokes and used slurs when talking about females, targeted only females with intimidation and bullying, or engaged in unwanted sexual conduct, the matter should certainly be escalated.)
It is not illegal for people to connect less well to members of the opposite sex.
One thing you might consider doing, which we teach in our Self Leadership Program, is asking for what you need. It wouldn’t be easy, and it would take courage, but it might just work. You could take the opportunity next time your boss gives you critical feedback. When he is done, ask if he has any specific positive feedback. It could sound something like this: “Thanks for all your help on the things I can do better. I take it to heart and I can see improvement. It would also be helpful to know if there is anything you see that I am doing really well, just so I know where to focus my efforts so they make the most impact.”
You can definitely do a little work on not taking your boss’s personality and preferences personally. The thing to remember is that who he is and the way he behaves has nothing to do with you. Perhaps members of the opposite sex simply make your boss feel awkward. Perhaps your boss is worried that being overly cordial with females might be misinterpreted as inappropriate attention. You have no way of knowing what his story is, but I can say with almost 100% certainty that this isn’t about you. You can have your feelings all day long—and they are certainly valid—but the way to keep them from affecting your mood is to stay focused on facts. You know what you bring to the table. You know what you are doing well. You know that criticism is information you can use to grow and be even better.
I understand that your boss’s behavior feels unfair. But unless he rates your performance unfairly, this situation is unfair the way rain on your picnic is unfair. And that is—well, just life.
Keep your head down and work hard. Keep listening carefully and responding to feedback, and try not to worry. The best positive feedback is your own improvement. You won’t have this boss forever, and hopefully the next one you have will be more personable. When you feel anxious, breathe and pay attention to what is real, not what you feel. You are going to be okay.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
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