Dear Madeleine,
I have been working for a new boss for about six months. I think she is very organized and personable, and her whole team (me included) likes working for her.
A while back, I had a rough time with the leader of another team. I won’t go into detail about exactly what happened—there were mistakes made by people on both teams. The short version is that he yelled at me and then abruptly signed off the video call. I was astonished, and I barely made it to the bathroom before bursting into tears. Unfortunately, my boss walked in just as I was getting myself together and I spilled the whole story. She told me not to worry about it, that the guy is a known jerk and is probably going to get fired soon because he yells at everyone and I should just let it go.
All fine. Then a week later, my boss pinged me and asked if I had a minute to chat. I went to her office and she asked me if I thought I might be an HSP—highly sensitive person. She went on to explain what it is, and I went back to my desk to look it up.
She might be right.
Here is the thing: I don’t love the label, and I really don’t love that she knows this about me. It seems awfully private to me, and now I feel like I am being judged.
How do I fix this impression with my boss?
Maybe an HSP
__________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Maybe an HSP,
Ah. Yes. The label. What is this obsession we have with labeling everything? It can get awfully tiresome. It can also help us—all of us—to understand ourselves and deepen our insight and appreciation of others’ experience.
The only reason I know anything at all about HSP is because I worked with a client for whom the “diagnosis”—also provided by a colleague—was life-changing. All of a sudden, for her, everything became clear and she finally had an explanation for how she was different from others. She was able to stop judging herself and start taking care of herself. She manages expectations of others by asking for time to think things through before giving an answer. She asks colleagues with explosive tempers to not yell. She got soundproofing for her office. And she is a C-level executive of a Fortune 500 company, so I don’t think this situation has held her back. She learned how to ask for what she needs to be at her best, which is something we teach in our Self Leadership programs. Everyone can get better at that.
I won’t belabor what it means to be an HSP; the curious can read about it here. For our purposes, hopefully we can agree that it usually means a person has one or a combination of three specific traits:
-
- They need more time and space to deeply process information than the average person.
- They have heightened emotional responses to events.
- They have higher-than-average environmental awareness.
There continues to be a debate among experts about whether people who have all three dimensions can be considered neurodivergent; however, most agree that the brains of HSPs do process information differently.
There are many different tests online. I can’t speak to which are research-based or any good, but it might be worth taking one or more just to gain some clarity about the accuracy of the label.
Let’s address your question “How do I fix this impression with my boss?”
To be frank, I think this is the wrong question. The more salient questions are these:
-
- Does the diagnosis fit?
- If it does, how does understanding what it means to be an HSP in a world mostly filled with not-very-sensitive people change things for you?
- How can you use this information to educate people around you and take care of yourself more effectively?
The only reason to fix the impression with your boss is if you really think you are not an HSP at all. To do that, all you have to do is tell her you looked into it and you don’t think you are—and the day she caught you crying in the bathroom was just a really bad day. Goodness knows, I once had a job in which I was in so over my head and people were so awful to me that I cried in the bathroom almost every day. I don’t think I am an HSP, but I was young. Crying when one gets yelled at might simply be a function of youth. If that’s true, don’t worry—you will almost certainly develop thicker skin over time.
I suspect your boss didn’t float the idea based on one interaction, though. You might consider asking her what made her think you are an HSP. She probably recognized it because she is one herself, or she is close to someone who is.
There is something to be learned here and it is up to you to learn as much as you can. You can also use the opportunity to get to know yourself and your boss better. So in the end you don’t need to fix anything, but you can clarify and deepen.
Nobody wants to be judged or labeled or made to feel their privacy has been invaded. But based on how you described your boss, it sounds like she probably has your best interests at heart, and it’s likely your secrets are safe with her. Shift your focus to understanding yourself and applying your new knowledge to set yourself up for success over the long haul. You will be so glad you did, regardless of what label applies.
Love, Madeleine
About Madeleine
Madeleine Homan Blanchard is a master certified coach, author, speaker, and cofounder of Blanchard Coaching Services as well as a key facilitator of Blanchard’s Leadership Coach Certification course. Madeleine’s Advice for the Well Intentioned Manager is a regular Saturday feature for a very select group: well intentioned managers. Leadership is hard—and the more you care, the harder it gets. Join us here each week for insight, resources, and conversation.
Got a question for Madeleine? Email Madeleine and look for your response soon. Please be advised that although she will do her best, Madeleine cannot respond to each letter personally. Letters will be edited for clarity and length.
About the Author
Follow on Twitter More Content by Madeleine Homan Blanchard
